It’s Birth Trauma Awareness Week. I worked with a client on the weekend and she asked me what work I had done on my birth trauma. It got me reflecting on my experience. It’s almost been 7 years now and I have healed so much that it almost feels like a lifetime ago. Looking back I can see it was a crash course for me in letting go of control and learning to surrender.
Birth trauma can be experienced so differently. Sharing our stories helps us heal and helps us feel connected. This is my story.
My pregnancy had been pretty easy. I felt prepared for the birth. I wanted a natural birth but I really wanted a water birth. I had my birth plan and had fun making my birth affirmations to have around me. My baby was posterior but I felt positive she would turn in time and was doing lots of the spinning babies exercises. I felt like was in control.
Two weeks before I was due, I started my maternity leave from work. The next day I was getting ready to do all my meal prep when my waters started leaking – premature rupture of membranes (PROM). This was the beginning of my two day labour ordeal. I hoped my labour would start naturally at home but after a night of no sleep and not much action, the time had come for me to go into hospital. Once I was there things moved slowly. We had to wait for a birth suite to become available. I was put on antibiotics because of the PROM which meant I wasn’t going to be able to have my water birth but they seemed to be on board with the rest of my birth plan. I felt disappointed but hopeful.
We were finally moved to the labour ward in the afternoon. Baby was still posterior so I had lots of lower back pain which hubby had to constantly massage. I tried to relieve the pain with pregnancy yoga moves, the fit ball, the shower but nothing really helped. Around 8pm I had an internal examination with the OB and had my forewaters broken. She was quite pushy and set expectations on how quickly I should dilate to 4cm. I felt worried.
Things get blurry from here because the back labour was so intense that I was getting worn out. The OB on duty had suggested I get a caesarian and I actually considered it but my student midwife reminded me of how much I really wanted to give birth naturally which I am so grateful for. So we explored pain relief. The gas wasn’t an option for me because that wasn’t going to stop my urge to push which was so strong with the back labour. I ended up getting the epidural but that slowed things right down. I felt numb.
Since my contractions had slowed down I was given syntocin around 2am to get things moving again. Then around 5am it was time to start pushing. I tried everything but it was hard with the epidural not really feeling where I was pushing. After an hour the OB wanted to take me to theatre for vacuum and possibly deliver via c section but the midwives kept me pushing. I finally gave birth to my daughter just before 7am the next morning. I felt relief.
I held her for a short moment before she was taken away. There had been meconium in the waters so she was put on antibiotics. Her face was so bruised from all the pushing I had done before she was ready. She also had positional talipes, meaning both her feet were turned inwards. Because she had swallowed meconium she needed to be on antibiotics for three days and had to stay in the neonatal ward. I was lucky that there was room in the mothercraft unit so that I could stay in the hospital for those three days otherwise I would have been discharged to go home. I felt anxious.
I had put so much planning and preparation into the birth (the water birth I never got) that I hadn’t even thought about what came next. I had never considered being separated from my baby. I had assumed I would have as much skin to skin as we wanted and all the time to help her start breastfeeding. Instead we were visiting her in the neo natal ward, supplementing with formula and having to explain to family that we could only have one visitor at a time. I felt overwhelmed.
While we were in the neo natal ward we had a visit from a representative from Miracle Babies. She was great and made me feel supported and connected me with a support group for after we were home. When I did eventually go to a group meeting I felt so out of place because she hadn’t been born early enough to be premature and didn’t really have complications so I never went again. I felt alone.
We also had issues breastfeeding. At the hospital we were told she had a possible tongue tie but seemed to be working with it. By the time we were home and the health nurse came it was clear she wasn’t feeding enough. So we had the tongue tie snipped soon after. Our breastfeeding journey was quite a journey but I’ll save that for another post. As well as my experience with postnatal depression. This was just to share the story of my birth trauma. I felt so overwhelmed by things not going as expected, not being in control and feeling like I was drowning in all of this unknown.
Did you know 1 in 3 mothers experience the birth of their baby as traumatic? Did you know birth trauma is not always physical, it is often psychological? The most important thing to remember is that if it felt traumatic to you, then it was.
If you are struggling with birth trauma or know someone who is please seek out professional support. Do you know where to go for support? The list below are some support services you can access:
Australasian Birth Trauma Association – Peer2Peer Chat and Support Groups
Gidget Foundation – Start talking counselling
PANDA – 1300 726 306
For When. – 1300 242 322
COPE – Ready to COPE app and eCOPE directory.
Birthtrauma.org have free downloadable guides including a great care guide that covers which professionals to see for physical birth trauma and psychological birth trauma. Other tools you can use to support yourself and help process your feelings and birth trauma are: journaling, talking to friends and family, and connecting with a support group. Other modalities you can try are kinesiology, multidimensional quantum healing, womb healing and homeopathy. These are modalities I used at different times during my healing journey. Each healing journey is different just like each of our experiences of birth trauma. Trust the process and remember it’s ok to ask for help.