Mother walking down a bush path with two daughters at sunset

Parental burnout is a thing

Parenting is hard. It may appear harder for some than others but if you’re only going by what you see on social media then you are usually only seeing the highlight reels. The saying “comparison is the thief of joy” definitely applies in this online world.

I recently did a research unit and I wanted to research ways mothers are regulating themselves. In so many online groups I am in, I keep seeing mums post questions about feeling dysregulated and struggling to cope with parenting. As I began my research into this I was led down a rabbit hole and I found there was a lot of research into parental burnout…and I also realised how close I was to parental burnout.

So what is parental burnout exactly?

First we have to look at burnout. Burnout is defined as a state of physical or emotional exhaustion that also involves a sense of reduced accomplishment and loss of personal identity. You’re probably familiar with job burnout which was actually recognised by the World Health Organisation as a syndrome in 2019.

Parental burnout is defined as a state of intense exhaustion related to one’s parental role, in which one becomes emotionally detached from one’s children and doubtful of one’s capacity to be a good parent. One of the main researchers, Mikolajczak describes parental burnout as, “an exhaustion syndrome that occurs when a parent has been exposed to too much stress in their parenting role for too long, in the absence of sufficient resources to compensate for the effect of stress.

The earlier research into parental burnout looked at parents of children with chronic conditions. The research then looked at the changes in society and a global study found the prevalence was higher in western countries with independence values which suggests this is likely related to the changing demands and increased stress in the parental role and, in my opinion, the lack of “the village” support.

What are the risk factors?

Personality Traits

Some of these are:

  • Having a perfectionist personality, specifically the aim to be perfect parents
  • Parents who are neurotic with frequent worries, emotional control and impulse control behaviours
  • Parents with low stress management abilities

Access to support 

Parents who lack emotional or practical support from the co-parent or from the social network more broadly are at higher risk of emotional burnout. Single parents are also at a higher risk because chores and responsibilities can’t be shared.

Employment and income

Finances can be stressful for anyone. For parents at risk of parental burnout they may be:

  • a low household income or have financial difficulties which then makes a number of resources unaffordable: babysitting services, extra- curricular activities etc.
  • being unemployed (because this may affect their self-esteem).
  • working part-time (because the parent spends more time taking care of the children); or
  • working more than 9 hours per day (overwork may reduce time and emotional resources for dealing with children’s problems). 

Parenting Practices

Parents with poor parenting practices and high parental standards have an increased the risk of parental burnout. This can lead to increased neglect which could range from not helping one’s child when the child really needs it; not caring about one’s child when the parent knows they should; or not caring about one’s child when the child is sad, frightened or distraught. As I was reading these studies I found myself thinking of the increased pressures that come with conscious parenting – always trying to make conscious choices whether it be related to diet, health, education, hygiene, clothing, activities – the list can go on.

Parents in parental burnout were also found to have cortisol levels twice as high as normal, and cortisol can fuel anger and harsh parenting practices. As a result, parents who have never been violent before and who were opposed to violence could become violent. This was something I could relate to and something I often see be posted in online groups – mums struggling to deal with the anger.

Child’s Needs and Number of Children

Parents with increased parenting demands which could include:

  • having a child with behavioural, emotional or learning disorders, or a child with a disability or chronic illness (because of the extra-care, attention and patience they require)
  • having an adopted child (because of the stigma of adoption and of being adoptive parents)
  • the child’s developmental stage (because infants and young children can’t take care of themselves)

The number of children also impacts the risk level because each additional child increases the demands on the parent. A study found that during the first seven  years after the birth of the first/only child, low Endurance, low Emotional Stability and low Commitment were associated with higher burnout than among parents at later stages of parenting. 

Signs and Symptoms

The main signs and symptoms of parental burnout are emotional exhaustion, emotional distancing, and loss of personal accomplishment which can be measured by the Parental Burnout Inventory (PBI).

Emotional Exhaustion – an overwhelming exhaustion related to one’s parental role: parents feel tired when getting up in the morning and having to face another day with their children; they feel emotionally drained by the parental role to the extent that thinking about their role as parents makes them feel they have reached the end of their tether.

Emotional Distancing – exhausted parents become less and less involved in parenting and the relationship with their children; interactions are limited to functional aspects at the expense of emotional aspects.

Loss of Personal Accomplishment – parents feel fed up with parenting, they cannot stand their role as father/mother anymore, and they no longer enjoy being with their children.

Other signs are escape ideation and suicidal thoughts, increase in addictive behaviour, sleep disorders, and health disorders. Parental burnout can also impact the couple who may have an increase in the frequency and intensity of conflicts.

What can you do if you are experiencing parental burnout?

The Centre of Parental Excellence lists on their website the following treatments for parental burnout:

Addressing lack of sleep: This may include sleep hygiene (for example, avoiding caffeinated drinks or taking a warm bath), and other strategies to assist with disrupted sleep.

Prioritising self-care: This includes making time for interests and hobbies outside of parenting which can help parents have a proper break and recharge.

Parenting support: This may consist of education around parenting skills, “good-enough” parenting, child development and helping parents understand age-appropriate expectations for their children. 

Seeking support: This includes asking friends and family for assistance and seeking professional help if required. 

Consulting your GP: This can help rule out any other medical issues which may be contributing to feelings of exhaustion.

Psychological therapy: Therapy can help with concerns around self-esteem, perfectionistic thinking, self-compassion and regulating emotions.

There are other modalities you can also look into, and being alternatives to the mainstream I would have to remind you to do your own research and to consult your GP.

Homeopathy is one of these and in particular, the remedy Sepia. Homeopath Miranda Castro states Sepia is “especially needed for the typical worn-out-mother-without-any-support syndrome, for women who are worn down by the cares of life and too many children with not enough time between them for their bodies to recover.” Now, doesn’t that sound like parental burnout?

Many mums are also turning to microdosing. In Australia this hasn’t yet been legalised but with the new facility that opened in July 2023 here in WA there is the possibility of change, but I am sure it will come with a big price tag. In the US many mums are finding it helps them cope and one psychotherapist reported a client “found herself more able to enjoy moments with her children rather than pressuring herself to “do it all.””.

As a kinesiologist, I truly believe that kinesiology can help with your experience of parental burnout. There are balances to help calm your nervous system, lower your cortisol, improve your sleep and help you release your subconscious patterning around perfectionist tendencies (as a recovering perfectionist this is something I totally relate to). It was actually during my research that I had an a-ha moment. As an overachiever I couldn’t understand why parenting was harder for me than others. I knew what I was feeling was different to postnatal depression. I had been in those depths before and this wasn’t the same. There was a constant struggle and my tolerance levels were low because I was spread too thin with all I was juggling. And, as always for the martyr in me, I was putting everyone’s needs first and I wasn’t looking after myself enough. This is something many of us mums struggle with but the simple act of self care can really make such a difference to our mental health and our capacity to be the amazing mums that we are!

I hope you have found this helpful. If you are struggling with parental burnout or need help identifying what you’re experiencing please contact a health professional for support. If you have a friend or loved one who you think would benefit from reading this please forward this to them. There is also a Facebook group you can join which was started by the first Australian psychologist to complete the Training Institute for Parental Burnout’s certification program. Her website also has some great resources.

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